I Am Not Grateful For My Blessings

You read that right. 

I wanted to make a blog post today because my perspective has grown and changed so much over the last few years, and over this last year in particular.

I am not grateful for my blessings.

I am in awe of them.

Saying that I am grateful for the infinite love, gifts, and beauty that my God has given me simply doesn't do it justice.

I am completely and utterly in awe of what God has given me. I simply do not deserve it all. I have been given a loving family who has raised me to love others and love God. I have been given a working, healthy body and mind. I have been given the gospel of Jesus Christ and the tools, such as scripture, prayer, and a living prophet, to grow closer to Him every day. I have been given an incredible world featuring watercolor sunset skies, crashing oceans, resolute mountains, and a cornucopia of life in the wide range of animals and plants that populate this fruitful earth.

There simply is no way to express how I feel about the Lord's blessings, and "I'm grateful" is definitely not enough.

I do, however, want to express gratitude today for something I often neglect to thank God for: my trials.

We've all had struggles in life. And I know for certain that mine have shaped me into who I am today. If it wasn't for the horrible, difficult, heart-wrenching things I've been through, I would not have the joy, strength, and confidence I do today. So today I want to tell you the three trials I am most grateful for.

1. Injuries

I own crutches, an Aircast, an ACE bandage, and no less than three different knee braces. I have had needles stabbed into me and electrical shocks sent through them. I have been half dragged, half carried out of a dance practice because I couldn't stand anymore. I have limped off the contest floor with tears streaming down my face after completing a kick routine on a fractured ankle. I've collapsed onto the ground, knowing if I didn't get there voluntarily, I would pass out and end up there anyways. I know how frustrating it is to feel incomplete, to be standing on the sidelines with a broken body, wishing you could do what you love to do, but instead having to just sit there in pain.

But I have learned how to overcome feelings of disappointment. I've learned that sometimes I need to take a backseat and let someone else take the reins for a while. I've learned to listen to my body and take care of it instead of pushing it past its limits. I've learned the joy of healing and I've learned the patience of waiting. I am so grateful for all of the times I've been hurt, because they have made me stronger.

2. Heartbreaks

Okay, I'll admit, I have to dig a little to find gratitude for these, because, just being honest, they suck. With every rejection, shut down, and disappointment, it's hard not to wonder if there is something wrong with you, if it's your fault. It's really hard when something seems like it's everything you've ever wanted, and then a door gets slammed in your face. It's even harder when God leads you to someone, when you pray about it and get a definite answer, and then it still doesn't work out the way you wanted or expected it to. 

But I have learned so much about trusting in God and His timing. I have learned what I deserve and to wait until I can get it. I have learned to let go of things that are dragging me down. I have learned that I am stronger and more resilient than anything or anyone that can hurt me. I have learned that God's love matters more than anyone else's. I am so grateful for my heartbreaks, because they have given me experience and strength I couldn't have received any other way.

3. My Past

I won't go into the whole story here. Maybe someday the time will come when I think that needs to be shared, but that's not the case yet. However, I do want to share a little bit about who I was and how that made me who I am. When I was in middle school, I was miserable. I had rock bottom self-esteem, which led to bigger and more dangerous problems. I look back on that time on my life and it sometimes scares me to think of where I was. But since then, I have done a complete 180. I am confident in who I am, what I look like, and what I am capable of. I look back at this, the greatest trial I've ever been through, and am blown away by how I have been able to overcome that and change my life. 

My past is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I am so grateful that I went through it. I have learned that, with God, you can overcome anything. I have learned my true worth and my abilities. I have learned how I can help those who are struggling in similar ways that I was. I have learned to reach out and love everyone, because you never know what they are going through or what weight they have been called to bear, now or in their past.

This Thanksgiving, I'd urge all of you to look at your life and recognize the absolutely incomprehensible and awe-inspiring blessings God has given you.

 And then look at the burdens He has asked you to bear and find gratitude for those.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!