Lemons

So I decided to do a little bonus blog post this week due to the fact that life has given me lots of material to share with y'all lately. I've debated how much of this I really wanted to share, but I've decided that there is too much in my story that can help others to not say something about what I've been going through.

I'm sure we've all heard this phrase before.

Over the last few months, I've been dealing with three pretty persistent lemons:

1) Most likely gall bladder disease, although tests aren't giving any real answers

2) Moderately severe depression, as diagnosed about a month ago when I finally acknowledged that I needed to get help

3) A temperamental back that is still angry at me for slipping two discs back in December

This last one has escalated to the point that I can no longer dance, and even some simple movements are done at risk of causing severe pain.

As a result, I have had to withdraw from all of my classes at BYU this semester, including a performing company I was so thrilled to be a part of.

I share this with you for three reasons:

1) Because emotional/mental disorders are real and impactful

As a society, we're terrible at acknowledging this. We hide away our anxiety, our depression, our other issues that we pretend aren't that big of a deal. We beat ourselves up for being overly emotional or for being weak enough to let certain things affect us. We worry that we are falling short, that we don't measure up because we are struggling with these intense feelings and the physical repercussions

But there is no difference between going to a doctor for persistent pain/nausea and going to a doctor for persistent sadness, feelings of hopelessness, and lack of motivation.

There is something wrong with your body, and it needs to be fixed.

It is not your fault.

You are not weak.

You are not less than you were before just because you can't do what you did before.

No one would look down on someone with a broken leg who can't run as far or as fast as they used to.

This is no different - Your circumstances have changed, and so you must alter your expectations for yourself to match.

If you feel a weight pushing you down day after day,

if you struggle to find a reason to get out of bed,

if you are crying all the time and can't find a way to "snap out of it,"

Then get help.

There is no shame in it.

There is only peace and healing to be found.

2) Because taking a time out is not giving up

Trust me, I know the struggle is real on this one, but I promise that stepping back, putting some things away, and taking time for yourself is a sign of respect and strength.

You are too valuable to neglect.

You are too precious to ignore.

It is such a habit of ours to be busy, as much as we can, all the time. We wear our full schedules like a badge of honor sometimes. It is not a bad thing to be anxiously engaged in good causes. But if your plate is overflowing, there is no way to balance it without having some things slip through your fingers. 

You can't do everything at once.

Take it from someone who is a perpetual "multi-tasker," meaning that I flit from one thing to the next, starting to make my bed and then dashing off to put toast in the toaster and then running back downstairs to pack up my backpack but before I finish I remember that I still have to brush my teeth. The result? A much more frantic, unorganized, and unsuccessful series of attempts than there would be if I simply focused on what I could handle - one thing at a time.

It's okay to need to clear some things out of your life.

It's more than okay to take time for yourself.

Your needs are important, and should not be ignored.

3) Because I'm gonna have enough lemonade to go around

I'm not going to lie - this is hard. This is arguably the toughest time I've ever had.

I don't know why my life is unfolding the way it is, or how it all fits into God's plan for me.

But I know without a doubt that there is a plan and that its Creator only wants what is absolutely best for me. He is shaping me into the woman He needs me to be, and if this is the way to make that happen, then bring it on.

You know how the saying goes.

 All these lemons are going to come to a lot of sweet goodness,

and I'm willing to bet there will be enough to share.

This blog post is just one example of how these trials in my life could potentially help someone else, and if this pain and frustration and difficulty will lead to someone else's smile,

then I would go through it all again in an instant.

Here's to the lemons that make life that much sweeter.

Cheers.