I Think I Know What Love Is

That ever-evasive, desirable-above-all, fantastical, un-understandable thing.

For years, my definition of love has changed and shaped and shifted, with different ideas and pictures of what love is.

When I was a little girl, I thought love was when a prince met a princess and he swept her off her feet and they rode away in a carriage with the words "And they lived Happily Ever After" floating in script above them.

I wanted a poufy dress.

I wanted a prince who would spin me around a ballroom.

I wanted magic.

I wanted instantaneous true love.

Then I got a bit older, and my idea of love shifted, as did the examples I was presented with and bought into.

I thought love was when he would die for you, when you got caught up in the heat of the moment, when nothing else in the entire world mattered but each other.

I wanted to be protected.

I wanted something passionate, something intense.

I wanted ultimate dedication.

I wanted soulmates.

Then I got a bit older, and my idea of love changed again.

I thought love was when you meet someone and they fill in your cracks, solder up your broken pieces, and hold you together to make you whole again.

I wanted someone to fix me.

I wanted everything to fall into place.

I wanted to be taken care of.

I wanted someone to make me whole.

Then I began my addiction to Pinterest, and my idea of love changed again.

I wanted warm summer nights with bonfires and secrets shared under the stars and splashing in the ocean that we drove to overnight and spinning me around in a field of wildflowers.

I wanted to feel wild and free and young.

I wanted to live inside of a whimsical love song.

I wanted a love worth telling stories about.

I wanted a whisk-me-away romance.

Now I've gotten older, and my perspective has changed again.

And now, I think I've finally got it figured out.

Yes, I still want to feel like a princess sometimes.

Yes, I want to feel protected.

 Yes, I want someone who can help fix the bad days.

Yes, I want adventure.

But I can rock sweats better than Cinderella ever could.

I can stand up for myself and hold my own ground.

I am whole all by myself.

And I can have an adventure in my own living room.

I don't want a prince.

Or a vampire.

Or a therapist.

Or a tumblr photo.

I want someone who I can fall asleep on after a long and tired day.

I want someone who is my friend first and my lover second.

I want someone I can discuss things I don't understand with, who will just sit and think with me when there isn't an answer to be found.

I want someone who will bake cookies and make a mess of the kitchen and the cookies come out terrible and we just laugh and say it's a memory.

I want someone who I can look at at 3am when the baby won't stop crying and has spat up on both of us twice already and we just exchange this exasperated smile like "we signed up for this, and gosh dang it, we're going to make it through."

I want someone who I can rock on a porch with when I'm old and my bones creak and ache and even though both of our bodies are worn and hurting, I still make him dinner and he still brings me flowers.

I want something sweet.

I want something practical.

I want something holy.

I want something real.

So what is love?

Love is that peace you feel when you look at him or her.

Love is the smile that comes to your face when you think about the times you've spent together.

Love is still saying "I love you," when you're angry at one another.

Love is when you pray for him or her every night.

Love is hands clasped tightly.

Love is crying together.

Love is good morning kisses.

Love is sacrifice.

Love is acceptance.

Love is friendship.

Love is going through life hand in hand, one step at a time.

Boldly Go

In honor of the new Star Trek movie coming out this weekend, I wanted to focus my blog post this week on a portion of the manifest quoted so often by those in Starfleet:

Boldly go where no one has gone before.

I want you to stop for a second and think about your life.

Think about your dreams.

Think about what you want.

What you really want.

Even if it's unrealistic.

Even if it is what some would call impossible.

Then I want you to take a step today towards making that happen.

Look at yourself!

You have breath in your lungs. You have energy in your soul. You have ideas in your head that can change the world.

So go do it!

You have the freedom to do whatever you want.

You have the ability to be a firework in a dark sky,

a splash of brilliant color on a white page,

a burst of song in a silent room.

Your reach can extend across oceans if you just extend your arms.

Your voice can shake down walls if you just speak up.

Your feet can walk through fire if you just have the courage to take the first step.

You were not created to blend in.

You were not created to be timid or small or average.

You were made to be

dazzling,

exceptional,

extraordinary.

There is an entire universe out there waiting for you to breathe life into its cosmos.

There are glassy oceans waiting for you to make waves.

There are silent halls waiting for the music of your vibrant heartbeat.

So get out there.

Start a Youtube channel to showcase your original songs.

Put up flyers advertising your new business.

Sign up for that class.

Pack that bag.

Buy that ticket.

Share that story.

Be bold.

Be stunning.

Be brilliant.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

(yes, the title is from David Bowie's song)

I have had quite the adventurous week.

My future has altered quite a bit from what I pictured it to be just a few days ago.

Firstly, I've realized that some of the things that used to be so important and the focal points of my life are no longer so. Other things have taken their place. At first these changes scared me. Was I just losing my drive? Or becoming lazy and no longer willing to go after what I want?

After careful pondering and writing it all out (my brain doesn't know what it's saying until I speak it or write it down), I have realized something.

Changes in what you want are normal.

You are under no obligation to stay in the cookie cutter you placed yourself in years ago.

Once I realized this and accepted that I am a different person than I was even a month ago, many of the worries and stresses I had been feeling faded away. I have hope and confidence in my future again, even though there are a lot of aspects of my future that just became very unclear.

This is what I'm doing now. I'm starting over. I'm reworking my graduation plan with a new major, I'm going after a new dream, and I'm navigating some uncharted territory regarding my health.

It's a lot, and it can be daunting at times.

Change can be scary.

But change is life.

Change is how we grow.

Change is how we move from who we are

 to who we want to be.

You have knowledge that you've accumulated over the years, and you were born with the gift of agency. You have all you need to make decisions for yourself. Once you have, pray about it. God will let you know if that choice isn't the right one. 

But ultimately, YOU are the one who has to choose.

 YOU are the one who decides what to do

with this life you've been given.

So here's what I'm doing with mine:

Pursuing a BA degree in Dance instead of in Dance Education

Writing a novel that will get published

Traveling anywhere I can to give Body Confidence Workshops

Staying at home with my family

Taking care of my body, even if that means taking it easy for a while

Trusting in God for all the things I don't yet understand (which is a lot)

Embrace change.

Have faith.

Have hope.

And go live the life you want.

Youth

If someone called you a child or said you were acting like a teenager, how would it make you feel?
Would you be upset? Offended?

Here's a question:
When did youth become an insult?

When we're young, we can be in such a hurry to grow up, to leave that youth behind.
And then when we're older, we look at the children and teenagers in our lives and pat their heads and say they don't understand yet or roll our eyes at one of their emotional outbursts.

But I think we're forgetting one crucial point:

Everyone's thoughts and feelings are

 just as real and valid to them

 as yours are to you.

Just because the things that are devastating to a child seem small to you, doesn't mean that they aren't truly devastating to that child. Just because a teenager's heartbreak is not nearly what she will experience in five years, doesn't mean it isn't the most painful thing she's felt so far.

We need to stop discounting and dismissing the thoughts and feelings of youth.

I was recently organizing my room and came across some old writing I'd done. There was a line from one poem that hit me and made me just sit for a while:

"Even the skeletons in the closet can support us and be the frame we're built on."

I wrote that when I was 15 years old.

To often, we forget what we were like when we were younger. We focus on our mistakes, on what we didn't know, instead of our beautiful minds and the depth and breadth of the thoughts we had.

As a child, our actions or words may not quite fit into the traditional mold of an adult world, but the intentions behind them are as valid as the intentions behind what we do as adults.

Children have a special gift for observation, a deep capacity for love,

 and a mind filled with unending wonder.

Teenagers have their own opinions of the world around them, and how it can or should change. They adapt, they react, they persevere. They are faced with so many challenges and voices each day, and they suit up and face them again and again and again.

Instead of dismissing a youth's thoughts or feelings as trite or naive, we need to treat them as valid - because they are.

Instead of looking back at our past selves and scoffing at what we used to think, we should try to rediscover that youth inside us.

There's a reason that Jesus asks us to become like a little child, 

There's a reason that marvelous things can come from the mouths of babes.

There's a reason God trusted Mary, Samuel, and Joseph Smith at a young age.

Youth is not time spent trying to get to adulthood.

Youth is precious and valid all on its own.

So no more putting down your younger sister's tearful breakdowns as overdramatic.

No more dismissing the amount of homework your little brother has.

No more writing off the over-the-top dreams of your child as irrational.

If we continually make youth feel like their opinions aren't valid, like they don't know enough to make their own conclusions, like their thoughts are naive and lack understanding, 

they will grow up believing us.

So next time a child tells you of their dream to live in a chocolate house,

 ask them to explain why they want to.

Next time a teenager storms off saying you don't understand,

 follow her and calmly and genuinely try to see her side.

Next time you get caught up in a past mistake you made,

 remember your intentions at the time and how you used that mistake to grow.

Let's celebrate youth instead of dismissing it.

Let's learn from children instead of 

insisting they don't understand yet.

Let's hold our sisters and brothers and children close and let them know that their feelings matter.