I hope you saw my apology on Insta and the Be Confident Be Beautiful Facebook page, but I'm making up for the last two weeks of missed blog posts by telling you the story behind my recent engagement to the best man I have ever met!
Here he is. Yep, I get to be with him forever. *victory dance*
I could go on about this amazing guy forever, but I wanted to use our story to tell y'all a few things you ought to remember. So here goes:
1) Listen when God smacks you upside the head for being dumb
So once upon a time, I was avoiding all contact with the opposite sex and was determined to just focus on myself for a while. Dating is hell, we all know this, and I had recently dealt with the whole re-injure my back and change major thing, so I had decided to just avoid males all together. But then I got to thinking about stuff like this:
And more importantly than remembering all of the times I'd been told that dating and marriage and family should be my first priority, I remembered what I'd already learned for myself: that God's plan is the plan for my happiness, and that happiness and that plan are centered on family.
So I went to a YSA fireside one February night, got chastised by the Lord for letting my fear keep me from my own happiness, and left that church building determined to marry somebody. I had no idea who or when or how, but I knew that was my number one goal now.
That very night, my neighbors had a bunch of the YSAs over after the fireside, and this one good friend of mine that I'd known for a year or so and I ended up talking the whole night. His name was Kyle, and I'm guessing you have already put two and two together by now.
That night, I didn't want to go to the fireside. I didn't want to go hang out with a bunch of YSAs. I didn't want to talk to boys or do anything except curl up in sweats by myself with some Netflix.
But when God has something to say to you, you shut yourself up and you listen.
I promise, His idea is better than yours.
2) Embrace everything that makes you you, weirdness and all
Months passed where I simultaneously tried to spend more time with Kyle and not let myself get in too deep (we found out later that both of us were simultaneously dropping hints and trying not to read too much into the hints the other dropped), and I had the feeling that I needed to start a letter. If you know me, you know that word vomit comes out of my mouth at least as often as actual sentences, and if you really know me, you know that I rarely say how I really feel (working on that). Since God knows me best, He knew that the only real way Kyle would ever know how I really felt was if I wrote it down.
So I started writing. At first, I was half-certain that the letter would end up shoved in the back of my drawer or thrown away or otherwise placed in the painful memories/why did I do that? box. But the more Kyle and I spent time together, the more I realized that I wasn't going to be able to try and convince myself anymore.
I was falling head over heels, and there was no stopping it now.
So I kept writing, hoping one day he might be able to read everything I couldn't say.
One night, Dad and my sister and future brother-in-law and I were all testing each other's knowledge of 80s music, and I decided it would be awesome to have an 80s party. Naturally, my first thought was that I wanted Kyle there, and I was delighted when he said he was coming.
At first glance, that 80s party was a kind of flop. Very few people came, since most had gone home after finals already, and while we did look sick in our 80s gear (see above), pretty much everyone was gone before the movie was half over.
Except Kyle.
We ended up talking for at least an hour after the movie, and just like that night after the fireside, I felt like I could just talk as 100% myself. We talked about anything and everything, from the most arbitrary of the arbitrary to the deepest of the deep.
The next night, we went on our first official date, to go see a friend who was in a version of The Magic Flute set in New York in the 80s. Naturally, we went in all our 80s stuff and looked fabulous. That night, we both realized how much we liked the other, and from then on we were dating, each not entirely convinced that this was actually happening and expecting to wake up any moment.
Now that letter is the first of many that I have written/will write to Kyle, because that's who I am - I am someone who expresses myself better on paper or through dance than with words. Now I look back at the time Kyle asked me to be his girlfriend while I was wearing sleeves big enough to be floaties and am so glad that we were both unafraid to do something silly and awesome like going out in public dressed like that.
Who you are is who others need you to be. If you try to hide parts of yourself, or conform to how you think people should behave, you could miss out on something amazing.
3) You are not a bottle. Say how you're feeling, even if it's scary.
As I've said before, saying how I feel is not my forte. But with Kyle, I've gotten much better. Part of that comes from the fact that I trust him, and more than that, I know he trusts me. But that's not to say it wasn't absolutely terrifying at first.
I'm the kind of person whose version of "making a move" or "expressing my interest" is speaking to someone at all, or making eye contact for more than one second. But I mustered my courage when Kyle said he had a jazz band concert coming up and said I wanted to go. Weeks later, walking along Huntington Beach, I found enough courage to tell the man who made my heart so safe that I was also terrified to lose him.
The next morning, we're driving home in Dee's space car (for real, I think its mom has to be the Enterprise or something), jamming to Maroon 5 while Dee and Annika snooze in the back. The "m" word had come up the previous night, and I knew that wasn't a conversation to be left unfinished. I found some of that trusty courage, and this is about how it went:
*turns Maroon 5 down*
Me: So we should probably finish that conversation we started last night.
Kyle: Yeah we should. Whether you want to do it now or later, it's up to you, but we do need to talk.
*silence, as I try and figure out how one has this conversation*
*screw it, I'm just going to say what I'm feeling*
Me: So here's where I stand: I would love to marry you.
Kyle: Well, I would love to marry you.
Me: Cool.
*turns Maroon 5 back up*
*resumes jamming*
We talked it out in more detail that night, but that's really how it was. That easy.
Be brave. You know what would have happened if I didn't ask about his concert? If I had done what every instinct told me to do when I felt myself falling so far and just let the fear consume me? If I wasn't brave enough to tell the man I loved that I wanted to spend the rest of forever with him?
I would have missed out on the loveliest adventure of my life.
So be humble.
Be yourself.
Be brave.
Something great will come of it.
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