As many of you know, I experienced my own tragedy recently as I lost my growing child just before second trimester.
Looking back at the kindness of others during this time, and looking back at my family's past tragedies and my own experiences trying to know how to help others in times of need, I decided to make this blog post as a sort of guideline for when these things happen.
I can't say that this is a one-size-fits-all list for helping those experiencing tragedy, but this is what has been so helpful for me and what I've seen be helpful for others.
1) Talk to them.
It was wonderful to feel human, to feel connected to others, when an event like this can make you feel so isolated and lost.
Some people may not want to talk about the tragedy, and that's okay. If they bring it up, feel free to ask a question or two about the procedure to handle the miscarriage, or check on how their family is doing, or ask about the funeral services, etc. If they seem like they need a distraction more than to talk through it, keep the conversation to other subjects.
It doesn't have to be long, or even in person. So many people sent me messages or texts that meant the world, even if it just said something like "So sorry for your loss" and "I love you."
What meant the most was hearing that my story gave inspiration or comfort to others.
Sharing those emotions of grief or loss or faith is something very special.
2) Bring them food.
The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a strong tradition of bringing meals to those who just had a baby, are sick, experience a loss in the family, etc. and there's a reason for that.
We had multiple people bring us food after we found out about our child, and it was such a blessing to have dinners be one thing we didn't have to worry about, when we were already dealing with scheduling with the hospital and getting ready for finals and other things.
It was especially helpful to have some meals brought over that were pre-prepared and could be frozen. As time has gone by and we're getting back into a normal routine, it has been nice to have some meals already prepared that just need to be warmed up. And it is so easy to feel the love others have for us as we eat the food they took the time and effort to make.
3) Mourn with them.
There is something remarkably healing about holding tight to someone who feels a similar pain to your own, and just crying together. You don't have to hug your friend and bawl with them, but it is important for them to know that it is okay to mourn, and that they need to mourn.
Emotions are meant to be felt. Even painful ones.
There is a reason that "Jesus wept" when Lazarus's loved ones came to him in mourning.
Christ knew that everything would be okay. He knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead, and beyond that, He knew that God's plan allows for all of us to be reunited with deceased loved ones.
But did he tell Mary and Martha that they shouldn't mourn?
Did He tell them that they shouldn't be sad or hurt or even angry?
No.
He mourned with them.
I know that it's okay.
I know that I'll see my child someday.
I know that I will be able to have a child of my own in the future.
And the people who hugged me and cried with me and said "That sucks," or "I'm so sorry," knew that too. But they still let me be sad and let me mourn.
And more than that, they mourned with me.
4) Keep them involved.
The one thing I was most worried about regarding my miscarriage was it becoming this dark unspoken taboo thing that is always the elephant in the room. I didn't want people to avoid the subject of babies or pregnancy around me. I didn't want my story to be a hush-hush tale that no one ever hears. And I definitely didn't want my loved ones who are expecting to feel like they can't celebrate that around me.
Invite your friend to the family activity you had planned before the tragedy happened.
Keep them in the loop about things going on in the lives of those they love.
Invite them to baby showers, to bridal showers, to birthday parties.
If an event hits too close to the sore spot in their soul, they will either simply decline your invitation, or leave the event early, as I did recently when emotions hit me harder than expected upon seeing items I'd researched for my own child being unwrapped.
Do I regret being invited to that baby shower?
Absolutely not.
I am forever grateful to my family who continues to keep me involved with my cousin's baby's updates and invites me to the baby shower and lets me celebrate the little new life that will be arriving one short month from now.
Is it hard?
Yeah, at times harder than I ever thought it would be.
Is it healing and helpful?
Heck yeah, way more than I ever thought it could be.
Tragedies are different for everyone, and it can be hard to know what to do or say when someone you love experiences one.
I hope this post helps you better serve those around you who may need a little extra love.
Be confident.
Be beautiful.
xo, Madi
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