Why I Haven't Been Going to Church

I have never been inactive.

Even in my deepest faith crises, where God felt far away or I wasn't sure why I was doing what I was doing, I still went through the motions until I could recover enough faith to go to church and keep other commandments with a purpose.

Over the last few months, I've felt extremely close to the Spirit. 

He's brought me revelation and comfort through tragedy, given me little promptings to help me be the best dance teacher/friend/sister/daughter I could be, and helped me see the world and the people in it as God's wonderful creations.

I've read my scriptures.

I've prayed multiple times a day.

I've asked for and received priesthood blessings.

I've attended the temple with my husband.

I've written blog posts with the hope of uplifting others and bringing them closer to God.

So why have I rarely attended all 3 hours of church?

For a while, I had the very reasonable excuse of puking my guts out.

But when the nausea eased, my motivation and determination to make it to church and stay for all three hours didn't return.

I found myself dragging my feet in the morning, feeling my inner voice question if it was worth it to go for more than sacrament meeting.

I have a strong testimony of the importance of the ordinance of the sacrament. I know that if we cut it down to just one reason that we attend church, that would be it.

But I found myself questioning what the point of staying for Sunday School and Relief Society really was. I knew that I learned and felt the Spirit while I was there, but I also knew that when my health made staying home a necessity, I still found ways to study, grow, learn, and feel the Spirit from home.

So why do we need to go to 3 hours of church?

This morning, when I once again found myself in bed instead of on a church pew, I got into some serious reflecting. I'd felt the Spirit twist my stomach guiltily every time I felt like not going to church or tried to justify it. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't pinpoint why.

And I know that sometimes we don't need a why. Sometimes we just do what God asked us just because He asked. But I wanted to know why my motivation had disappeared. I used to want to attend church every week, to participate in Sunday School, to interact with my fellow saints.

So what had changed?

As I talked with God this morning, approaching Him in the spirit of fasting, I came to realize that my perspective needed to change. I needed to remember that church isn't for me.

Church is an opportunity for me to serve others, to worship God, to shine my light.

And why haven't I feel like that's what church is?

I don't have a calling.

I've felt like I'm going to church just for me, because I don't have a lesson to plan, or a message to prepare, or a class that is counting on me each week.

Should I be able to serve others even without an official calling?

In a perfect world, yes.

But God never expected or intended for us to be perfect in this life.

There's a reason He organized His church in a way that helps us find that motivation to serve and teach. There's a reason we go every week to learn the same basic doctrinal principles over and over.

Because we're human, just as God made us.

Am I disappointed in myself?

Yes. Very.

Should I be?

Arguably, no. I've recognized where I'm falling behind and am turning to God and Christ in an effort to be better.

And isn't that all He asks of us?